Player/Playa Don't Hate the Player Hate the Game

What is a player/playa? According to www.urbandictionary.com a Playa (player) can be male or female and by definition be good at the game they play i.e. playing men or woman to get what they want. The man or woman leads on multiple people of the oppisite sex into thinking there is a long term relationship in proccess, when in reality they are just using them for the beneficial purpose of becoming a legend. Both males and females are capable of becoming a playa whether it be through sex, making out, or just plain old hooking them into a relationship and using them for money or whatever else they might need. Keep in mind a playa does not actually have to be dating someone to be considered a player they must just have you hooked and wanting more.

Why shouldn't we hate the player and just hate the game? Well if what is meant by this saying is hate the sin, love the sinner; then obviously they are correct. "The game" is just that a sin, it really is a matter of sinful pride; as the definition says for the beneficial purpose of becoming a legend. I know many of you are saying wait a minute this doesn't happen in "Christian" circles of friends. Well thankfully I think most of the time at least it only happens to a lesser physically intimate extent, but it definitely happens.

In today’s culture and society there are so many distorted truths and misconceptions regarding men and women and how they should interact, date, when they should marry, who they should marry, and why they should get married. This concept of being a player is just one of the many issues young adults face currently. But thankfully we know that we read in Colossians 2:8 “See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.” So we have to consider all of these things from a biblical perspective and not from a worldly false perspective.

(I have been a fan of www.boundless.org for a while now and most of the rest of this blog is excerpts from various articles from that website. Definitely worth checking out sometime if you aren’t familiar with it. Most of these articles were written for men, but I think you can figure out how they can apply to both men and women.)

Why should young adults get married? In the article Marriage: More Than Just a Lifestyle Option by Albert Mohler, Jr. he says “From a Christian perspective, marriage must never be seen as a mere human invention — an option for those who choose such a high level of commitment — for it is an arena in which God’s glory is displayed in the right ordering of the man and the woman, and their glad reception of all that marriage means, gives, and requires.” God created man and woman to be together and enabled them with the incredible gift of creating life together and it is thusly that God’s glory is displayed.

But God is sovereign and he knows who I will marry and he will provide her for me? All very true and accurate statements, but in Alex Chediak’s article Get Married Young Man he reminds us of what is taught in Scripture. “I’ve known many single guys who think, “I’m a Christian. I love God. I currently don’t have a wife. If God wants me to marry someone, He’ll make that explicitly clear. For me to get proactive in the process is to imply that I don’t trust God to make it happen. And seeking a wife seems less spiritual than taking on another ministry responsibility. After all, I’m single. I really should commit all my time to God, and not be distracted with thinking about girls.”

The problem with this line of thinking is that not every man who has the status of singleness is gifted for singleness. God requires all singles to be celibate until marriage (to abstain from sexual expression in thought and deed), but because most singles aren’t gifted for lifelong celibacy, most should seek to marry. The Scriptures say, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22). So the man is said to “find” a wife, and that a wife is a good thing. The favor from the Lord part shows that, yes, God is the One who ultimately gives the wife, but it is still our job as men to be proactive in the finding process.”

How do I know who I should date? In another article by Albert Mohler Jr., The Girl Next Door? he includes some good advice on this topic. “So let’s say (number 1) she has to be a believer, ok, so #1, you cut out half of humanity because you are seeking a woman, so we have that clear. And then they’re supposed to be a believer, because you’re not supposed to be unequally yoked for very good Gospel reasons and now you’ve really cut the population down. And then you think, well, God’s sovereign and I’m here, and it’s meaningful that I’m here. It’s likely that she’s here. In other words, God does not say “Get on a tramp steamer, and buy a one-way ticket to a foreign continent and try to find a bride.” That’s just not what we would expect. We would expect that she’s probably here…very close by. So you think about - who are you attracted to? And I would certainly hope you are attracted. In our fallenness we learn not to trust our attractions, but we also learn that our attractions can be informative. We should pray that the Lord would lead us to be attracted to just the right one. I think this generation of young men has been scared off by the question of who to marry by a theology suggesting that something clearly supernatural is to happen for us to know we are to get married to a specific woman – when actually, it ought be the culmination of a process of just being obedient and watchful and hopeful and prayerful, and the right thing should fall into place.”

How do I find her? In his article Don’t Stay Stuck in a Friendship Scott Croft explains “The Lord has mercifully called us not to live the Christian life alone but as part of a community of believers. Single men and women can and should serve in ministry together, study the word together, and hang out together socially. They should go out together, gather around meals, watch movies. In my view, however, these activities should be done, for the most part, in groups rather than one-on-one. Men can initiate group get-togethers, and so can women. In fact, single brothers and sisters in Christ, like the rest of Christ’s body, are positively called to care for one another. Men can (and should) give women rides home rather than have them walk alone at night. Men can come over and move couches. Women can cook a meal for a group of guys in danger of developing scurvy from a near total lack of vegetables. Knock yourselves out.”

What if she doesn’t want to be pursued? In the article Pursue Her by Drew Dyck he explains that deep down all women do want to be pursued, they want their “knight in shining armor to rescue them”(to some degree or another at least). He also explains how some single men (and I would add women) feel they can better serve the church if they stay single(again with that pride thing). “First, our increasingly politically correct culture tells guys that women have equal responsibility when it comes to initiating the relationship. These days women are encouraged to be more aggressive while men risk appearing domineering if they get the ball rolling. But here’s the rub. While such political correctness is peddled in higher education and the media, it usually doesn’t apply in the real world, where women still appreciate a man with the gumption and guts to make the first move. A.J. Kiesling writes, “The world may have moved on, become hip and high-tech and politically correct, but old-fashioned values persist in our very make-up.” Part of that make-up is a desire to be pursued. The second factor is even more pervasive and hazardous to single Christian guys. An exaggerated sense of spiritual propriety can also prevent relationships from forming. I’ve met a lot of guys who seem to equate romantic passivity with spiritual superiority. God created you to be a pursuer. So next time God brings a godly woman into your life, don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs. The love of your life could be passing you by!”

Why does the man have to take all the risk? In Michael Lawrence’s article Real Men Risk Rejection he does a great job of answering this question. “Guys, the woman you marry is going to depend on you to lead her. She’s going to look to you to sacrifice your own comfort and convenience for the sake of the family. She’s going to look to you to back her up when your future teenage children, or the in-laws, come down on her. She’s going to look to you to set the pace spiritually. She’s going to look to you for leadership when hard decisions about career, or parenting, or aging parents, or any of a host of other issues arise. She’s going to look to you to set the example in admitting when you’re wrong and asking for forgiveness. In all of those situations, you’re going to feel the fear again. The fear of making a wrong decision. The fear of being exposed. The fear of being rejected. And then the only way you’ll be able to step up and lead as the man God made you to be, is if your trust is in God, not in the outcome of the conversation.

Welcome to leadership. Welcome to trusting God. Welcome to being a man. Your cards belong on the table. Your intentions and your feelings--to the extent that you can discern them and it is appropriate for you to share them--should be clear. Part of your role even at this early stage is to protect the woman of your interest from unnecessary risk and vulnerability by providing a safe context in which she can respond.”

How do I know if she is “The One”? Michael Lawrence writes in his article The One? “Instead of asking if a girl you know is the one, you should ask yourself, “Am I the sort of man a godly woman would want to marry?” If you’re not, then you’d be better off spending less time evaluating the women around you, and more time developing the character of a disciple. Start by considering the characteristics of an elder that Paul lays out in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1, and work toward those.

Then you should ask another question: “What sort of qualities should I be looking for in a wife so that my marriage will be a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church?” If you’re not sure what those characteristics are, then spend some time reading Proverbs 31, Titus 2:3-5, 1 Peter 3:1-7 and Ephesians 5:22-33.

But I want to marry a “10”? Michael Lawrence and Scott Croft cover this topic very well in a three different articles. First in Does Attraction Matter? by Scott Croft “It’s not that attraction makes no difference, but it shouldn’t make the difference. What should make the difference? Well, the Bible talks about the characteristics of godly men and women. These are the things that the Lord Himself considers to be good attributes, or, to use a different word, “attractive.” Is your potential spouse clearly a believer in Jesus (2 Cor. 6:14)? Does she exhibit the fruit of the Spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5)? Does she show clear regard and care for others? Does she show evident love for God in how she spends time and money, how she interacts with others? Men, do you believe this woman will care for you well and be a good mother and discipler to your children? Is she growing in the characteristics of biblical womanhood and what the Bible calls “true beauty” (Proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3, Titus 2)? Do you envision her being supportive of you in whatever ministry God may call you to?” Michael Lawrence gives us even more insight into this topic in his two articles first Everyone Marries a Stranger by Michael Lawrence “Men, the point of marriage is that we learn to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Yes, as Revelation 21 and Ephesians 5 tell us, one day, Christ’s bride will be perfectly beautiful, without spot or blemish, altogether lovely and loveable. But the church is not there yet. First, Christ had to commit himself to us, even to death on a cross. This is the model we’re called to follow. It’s not an easy model, but it is worth it. So your goal should not be to date a girl long enough until you’re confident marriage won’t be hard, but to date her just long enough to discern if you’re willing to love her sacrificially, and if she’s willing to respond to that kind of love.” And lastly in his article Marry True Beauty When You Find It “The Scriptures call us to develop an attraction to true beauty. 1 Peter 3:3-6 describes the beautiful wife as a woman who has a gentle and quiet spirit, born out of her faith and hope in God, and displayed in her trusting submission to her husband. Men, is the presence of this kind of beauty the driving force for your sense of attraction to your girlfriend? Or have you made romantic attraction and “chemistry” the deciding issue? Now don’t get me wrong. You should be physically attracted to the woman you marry. This is one of the ways marriage serves as a protection against sexual immorality (1 Cor. 7:3-5). But we get in trouble, both in dating and in marriage, when we make physical beauty and “chemistry” the threshold issue in the decision to commit (or remain committed) to marriage. No one lives in a perpetual state of “being in love.” But in marriage, our love is called to “always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere” (1 Cor. 13:7). If mere worldly, physical beauty is the main thing attracting our love, then our love will prove as ephemeral as that beauty. But if we have developed an attraction to true beauty, then we have nothing to fear. Marry a vibrant growing Christian woman, and you have Christ’s promise that he is committed to making her more and more beautiful, spiritually beautiful, with every passing day (Rom. 8:28; Phil. 1:6).”

How can I make myself more attractive to women? Carolyn McCulley writes about this in her article Commitment to a Church Speaks Volumes to a PotentialWife “When you see a man who’s willing to commit to a local church in a generation that commits to nothing, that doesn’t even really want to commit to marriage, you’re seeing somebody who has said, “All right. There’s something that is greater than myself; there’s a community that is greater than myself.” And you’re also seeing a man who’s willing to submit himself to other men in terms of authority. I always counsel the women around me, when they’re considering somebody they might marry, to ask themselves if this is a man who is himself accountable. If women are to practice the biblical commands to submit to and to honor and to respect our husbands, one of the greatest safeties that we will encounter is knowing that this man is himself submitted to other men.”

Now lets get back to players, I think this is an area that often we either don’t want to admit when we are in this position (either being the player or being played) or we don’t realize we are or lastly we are afraid to address the topic and allow the game to go on. Scott Croft writes in his article Don’t Stay Stuck in a Friendship “To the extent that one person’s romantic feelings have been clearly articulated to the other (and were met with an unfavorable response), to continue in some no-man’s land of “good friends,” is arguably to take selfish advantage of the vulnerable party. Yes, I know, the other person is an adult who is free and responsible to walk away if he or she is so unsatisfied, but like it or not, it tends not to work that way. Hope springs eternal, whether it should or not. Just be aware that “friendship” is no more a forum to play married than a dating relationship is. If you find that you are consistently showing one of your opposite-sex Christian friends more one-on-one attention than all the others, whether in conversation or through invitations out, it’s probably time for (1) some clarification of intentions and (most likely) a change in the status of the relationship to something more overtly committed, or (2) a change in the way you interact with that person.” Michael Lawrence also writes on this topic in his article Don’t Keep Your Options Open—Commit “Should you just “settle” for the first Christian woman who comes along? No, not at all. You should be making this decision in light of the qualities held out in Scripture for a godly wife, and you should marry the godliest, most fruitful, most spiritually beautiful woman you can convince to have you. But you also need to be aware that you live in a culture that says the ultimate good in life is to always keep your options open, and that any commitment is inevitably “settling” for less than you could have tomorrow. You must reject that kind of thinking for the worldly garbage that it is. Did Jesus Christ settle for the church? No, he loved the church, and gave his life as a ransom for her (Mark 10:45).

Marriage is fundamentally a means to glorify and serve God, not by finding someone who will meet our needs and desires, but by giving ourselves to another for their good. So if you find yourself hesitating about committing to a godly, biblically-qualified woman, then ask yourself, “Are my reasons biblical, or am I just afraid that if I commit, someone better will walk around the corner after it’s too late?” Consumers are always on the lookout for something better. Christ calls us to trust Him that in finding a wife, we have found “what is good and receive favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22).”

Perfect Chemistry by Nevertheless

I haven’t reached perfection, but is that what she needs?

I haven’t reached the wisdom that she should always heed.

I am just a man. I haven’t died for her, but I would.

I’ll do whatever I have to.

I may not be her perfect chemistry,

but, if I can love her like you do, that’s all she needs.

I haven’t found the remedy to every tear she’ll cry,

but I’ll try to be the one who’s by her side.

I may not be her perfect chemistry,

but, if I can love her like you do, that’s all she needs

APrayer for Men Who Hope to Marry Well

Father in Heaven,

You are the merciful, loving God of the universe. You are the Giver of all good gifts. I praise you and thank you for saving me in Christ. Father, please make me a man who lives by your word and cares well for my sisters in Christ. By your spirit, help me to treat my sisters with absolute purity in friendship, in courtship and - for the one I trust you have given me - in marriage. Help me to honor all women today. Help me to move toward marriage with humility, care, courage, and purpose. Prepare me to love my wife, as Christ loves the church, tomorrow. All for your glory.
In Christ’s name, Amen.